My thoughts

I really appreciate all of the input, thoughts, and opinions shared on my last post. You all have really had me thinking. In fact I have been thinking about it all day today.

I want to start by saying that I am not God. Thankfully. And with that being said, I don't claim to know anything or know what the right answers are. I think there are so many things about living this faith walk that can be confusing, difficult and not clear cut. Sometimes Christians can get caught up in legalism. Sometimes we judge one another so harshly. I really don't have any judgements about how anyone has chosen to live their life or the convictions they may or may not feel. Because in the end, I am only accountable for my own actions and choices.

The great thing about God is He deals with each of us individually. He loves each of us uniquely and calls us each of us to different things.

I don't believe everyone should have a big family. In fact, the bible tells us of several small families. I personally love having a big family. And I cannot imagine my life any other way. But, I would never, ever suggest that everyone should live my life. In the same respect, I would never say everyone should adopt. I know it is what God has asked of us. That does not mean He has asked that of you.

In terms of the Rockstar and I, each child we have added to our family has been a blessing. Some were a surprise to us and some were very much planned for. Each one was prayed for and loved from the moment we knew they were coming. We never imagined we would have ten children. We certainly did not plan it. But, we feel so incredibly blessed. I have never regretted it.

Both of us agree to be open to God and His leading for any future children, whether through adoption or birth. This is not an easy task. Because we already have 9 going on 10 children. And we are still young. We have prayed long and hard about this and truly feel in our hearts that God's desire for us is to be open to His will in our life. But, this is what we feel. This is what we have come to after much prayer and seeking the Lord. I cannot say if this is right for everyone. I am not everyone. And again, I am also not God.

We also both feel strongly that using any form of hormonal birth control is not right for us. I have done a ton of research and the facts are the facts. The pill, IUD, Deprovera, the ring, and all other hormonal birth control all carry the risk of aborting a newly fertilized egg. Since we believe life begins at conception, we cannot risk taking the chance that using this form of birth control could potentially abort our child. In addition the many health risks to my body are not something I am willing to subject my body to. Again, this what we feel is right for us.

At this time we also do not feel that surgically altering our bodies to end our fertility is right for us either. We realize many people have had to come to this decision after serious medical issues. However, since the Rockstar and I are healthy currently, we feel we do not have a reason to do this. And after speaking with so many couples who have later regretted having done so, we truly feel it is not our choice to make at this time. We feel that God created our bodies a certain way and that altering that would not be right for us. Please understand, this is what we feel God has laid on our hearts. And again, I am not stating what I feel is right for everyone, just right for us.

All that being said, I do feel that at times it is okay to use restraint or to actively prevent pregnancy for financial, physical, or other reasons that would make it extremely difficult to bring a child into the world. This is something I have prayed long and hard about. And there are several means by which to go about this including barrier methods and charting or Natural Family Planning.

I do feel there is a great deal of pressure today to limit family size. We have seen this first hand in our own lives. We have been told numerous things and are asked constantly if we are done or when we will be. It saddens me in many aspects because we see children as life's greatest blessing. There is not a single thing I could say in this world that is greater. And to say that we should limit how many we have, is to say that only my first couple of children were worth having. The rest, well..... they should not have been.

I cannot fathom my life without each and every one of them. I have not found anything this world could offer that has brought me more joy. Not money, possessions, a lean figure, free time, vacations.... for me my children are my treasures. They are my greatest joy. And whether you have 2 or 10, I am sure you will agree. Life is more beautiful with them in it.

Once upon a time I thought we were done at 4 children. In fact, I was sure of it. But, God intervened. He opened our hearts to adoption. And shortly after we adopted, we lost our precious one through a devastating second trimester miscarriage. God used our loss to open our hearts to the idea of more children. I often wonder what our lives would have looked like had we stopped at 4 or if we had done something permanent to prevent more children. I wouldn't know Lulu or Asher. My life would be so empty without them. Sure I may not have as many stretch marks. Sure my life wouldn't be as busy. Sure we might have more money, more time, more space, but those two babies light up my life. There isn't anything I wouldn't give up for them. And I haven't met a single person yet who has ever regretted having another child. I have met plenty who regret they didn't have more.

I also believe that God desires Christians to welcome children because He desires a Godly lineage. He desires for children to be raised to be a light for Him. In the bible it was deemed a great honor to be blessed with such a lineage. The people of biblical times prayed for children for this very reason. Godly children produce Godly grandchildren. I often dream of the impact my children, my grandchildren, and even my great grandchildren will have on this world. And the more children I have, the more opportunity I see. Someday I may have over 100 granchildren. I pray they will be Godly offspring and the result of my steadfast prayers that will greatly impact this world for the glory of God.

I so believe in adoption. Of course. But, we are quickly finding out how difficult adopting again will be. There are many rules and regulations to adopt. Most countries have family size limits. And most social workers will not approve very large families to adopt. You have to make a certain amount of money and have a certain amount of space. Our adoption days may be coming to a close. But, we still may have 10 plus years of fertility left. And while I would love to keep adopting, the reality is, it is getting harder and harder to do so.

So, you might be thinking, why is Mrs. Rockstar grappling? Why so many questions? She seems to already be pretty sure of her convictions.

Truth be told, I am struggling.

Ever since Asher I have been terrified of having another baby. His birth was very traumatic for me. And I realize it may seem silly, but in all truthfulness, I have not wanted to have another biological child, mainly out of fear. In fact I had convinced myself that being done was the right thing. And that it was okay for me to feel that way. I was starting to feel like maybe we needed to explore our options.

That was until.....

....this past weekend. When God very clearly showed me that He is in control and that I needed to give Him my fears. He showed me that He is bigger than my fear and that His desire for me is to give over my fears in exchange for His peace and His perfect plan. There is more, but some of it is just too personal for me to share on the blog. God did a lot in me over the weekend. But, I still find myself grappling with what to do with it all. I wish it were simple. I wish I could say I have all of the answers. I don't. I am human. And I struggle just like everyone else.

I thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. And please know that my convictions do not reflect what I think of any of you. I am truly grateful for your honesty and willingness to share a very personal area of your life. I hope that just as I completely respect your views, you too will respect mine.