17 kids and Counting.

I have 8 other children in addition to my 9. Yes, that makes 17 children in all.

Watch out Duggars. We are catching up to you fast.

All joking aside, I am being completely serious. While only 9 of them live with us, I still very much consider the others my children.

Our journey has been one of grief and loss. And at times I have felt I am hanging onto my faith by a thread. If I am honest, I have questioned God repeatedly. I have often wondered if we are truly on the right path. Many times I have wanted to give up and throw in the towel. Recently, I have started questioning my ability to discern what God wants for this family.

If you follow me on Facebook, you may remember me stating Courtney is done with adoption. Lately, I really feel that way. Almost all of the time. It has just been too hard.

It has been financially hard. We have literally lost thousands upon thousands of dollars. It is all gone. We have paid USCIS 3 times for visas that were never issued. We have had numerous homestudy updates and visits that cost us a pretty penny. We have paid multiple adoption agencies only to end up with empty arms. We will never get it back. And again I find myself questioning why.

It has been physically hard. We have prepared our home time and time again for children that never come. We have traveled to far off places. Packed many suitcases. Made many shopping trips and visits to the post office to send off care packages to children waiting in some distant land.

It has been emotionally hard. This aspect has been the hardest. I cannot explain what it is like to love a child with your whole heart, thinking they are your son or daughter, to then have to let them go. It is like a death. Yet in death the child is no longer here on earth. For us, my children are scattered. I don't know if some of them have enough to eat. I don't know if anyone held them today. I don't know if they are loved. I don't know if anyone will tuck them in tonight.

Most days, I go through life like I always do. But, then there are the days where the grief comes like a tsunami and nearly washes me away. It could be a song I hear, a photo I come across, a memory of a time. And in an instant my heart is shattered all over again.

It could be seeing a little dress on Lulu that Annie once wore, one stifling day in Haiti. It could be remembering my sweet Vasti singing to me. It could be a letter written on a dirty piece of scrap paper from our son in Liberia. It could be a vision of Nadia running towards me and falling into my arms. I cannot even utter Maria and Nik's names without wanting to scream out WHY????? My most painful memory that will forever be etched in my mind was the day I said goodbye to my girls for the last time. I left them screaming for me knowing I would never see them again.


Some of my children I have never met. Two of them I have never even seen their faces. I will never know what it is like to hold them in my arms or what their hair smells like or what it feels like to have their cheek pressed against mine. I often wonder what it would be like to know them, even if it was for a moment.

Just yesterday, I looked over to see the Rockstar's eyes filled with tears as he described a memory that had come to his mind of a little girl he once believed would be his daughter. Even as the years pass, the grief is still very much real. And we are still very much raw from it all.


People have told us to quit. They have said that maybe God is closing the door. They wonder why we keep subjecting ourselves to this pain. I won't lie. I wonder that too. I wonder why we keep going down the same road. I mean, I can have more children. I am young and I am fertile. I sometimes think that is the way to go. I mean why not just have more biological children? It is pretty much free. I don't need to travel. I only have to wait for 9 months. I know exactly where my child is at all times. I know that he or she is loved and safe.

But, then I hear of a child needing a home. I see a photo of an orphan. We are contacted about a child. And my heart just aches. Maybe in many ways it is our own fault. Maybe we are too emotional in this process. Maybe we care too much. I don't know. I really don't. But, I will say that not much has changed in my heart. I still ache for orphans. I still yearn to help hurting children heal.

Sometimes, I wish God would remove the burden He has given us. Maybe He never will.

So for now, I am thanking God for the 9 that are here in my arms. I am praying for the 8 who will never be. And I am hoping for the ones yet to come.