Shattered

The last few weeks have been the worst of my life.

Our family is shattered.

Things have occurred in our home that have forever changed us. Things that will not allow us to ever be the same again.

Part of me has felt that I don't owe my blog readers any explanations. Part of me has felt that really there are many things that are frankly none of your business. Yet, I know so many of you come here for truth. So many of you pray for my family, when I can barely pray myself.

So I come before you, barely able to stand, asking you to please lift my family in prayer. Asking you for compassion. Asking you to hold us up during one of the hardest things our family has ever had to walk through.

I can hardly type out these words without tears streaming down my cheeks. Many of you will not understand why this has occurred. Many of you will be quick to criticize us. Yet, many of you I know will understand. Because you have walked this road, or you have known someone who has.

On Saturday J-man went to live with another family.

This decision did not come easily or in haste. It was an agonizing, gut wrenching, prayer filled decision that we made. Counsel was sought. Friends and family were spoken too. Professionals were contacted. We attempted to seek out every possible avenue before coming to the conclusion that what was best for our family and what was best for J-man was for him to leave.

We love J-man. We love him more than words can possibly even begin to express. And because we love him, I will not be explaining in any detail what has occurred in our home. For his protection, I will not be answering any questions, or giving out any details. So please, I beg of you, don't ask.

Our family is broken. My children are broken. We will never, ever be the same again.

We are in shock. And we aren't sure how we will recover.

We are grieving. We are angry. We are beyond hurting.

Right now we are taking things one day at a time. Sometimes it is one hour at a time. For me, one minute at a time.

I have cried more tears than I ever have in my 31 years. I miss my little boy. I feel like a failure. I couldn't keep my other children safe. I couldn't help my son. I never in a million years thought we would be in this position. Never.

I am angry.

Not at J-man. Not even a little. J-man is a victim. I am angry for what was done to him. Angry that the world is cruel, that people are so evil, that a little boy was hurt so deeply, that he now has hurt others as a result. I am angry that I had no idea what was happening in my own home. I am angry that I couldn't protect my children. I am angry that we have to endure this. I am angry that my daughter will never be the same. My daughter, who feels that somehow this was all her fault. My daughter, who just had to say goodbye to her very best friend, her twin, who she can't remember life without.

Please, pray for us.

J-man will not be returning to our home. We found what we believe to be a wonderful, Godly family who is fully aware and prepared for him. They have no small children and already love J-man very much. They believe that God has asked them to step in and parent him. We believe that is the right choice for him and for us. We will always love him. Always. God loves him even more.

I have no idea why any of this happened. Or why J-man came to us and then so suddenly had to leave. I have no answers. No understanding. I am hanging onto God by a thread. Trying with what little I have left to believe that He is in this, that He loves us, and that somehow, some way He will carry us through our darkest hours.

If you have something to say, please, please choose your words carefully. I will not publish anything even slightly hurtful or offensive. I will read e-mails, but I will not respond to anything even remotely cruel or judging. You cannot even begin to imagine our grief until you have walked this path. You cannot even begin to imagine what we have endured unless you have lived it. I am asking for your prayers and for your grace. I am a shell of the person I once was. So fragile.

Please don't make me regret posting this.

Please. Please. Please.

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A date with Lulu

This past week Lulu went on a special date. Typically dates in our house consist of the child choosing one parent to take them somewhere special. Sometimes it is out for ice cream. Sometimes it is to the bookstore. Lulu asked if we could both go on her date. And since we were feeling Lulu could really use some extra special time with us, we arranged it so that both of us could go. Lulu even got dressed up. Complete with jewelry and a purse.

Let me just say it was a precious day.

Maybe one of the best dates of my life.

Popcorn and candy were consumed in mass quantities. We held hands and snuggled. We discussed Lulu's wedding plans. We saw Shrek. Which made me laugh out loud more than once. We went to the dollar store. Which just happens to be Lulu's favorite store ever. We spent time letting her be the center of attention. Something we are realizing she hasn't gotten to be often enough.

Most importantly, Lulu got some time alone with her two favorite people in this world. Some much needed time.

And me, well I got to spend an evening with two of my favorite people in this world. I think it was pretty special for me too.

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The Winner Weight of Shadows

Congratulations Tisha Alexander !!!!! You won the gift bag from Alison Strobel. E-mail me for details!!!

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Taking some time away

Our family is walking through one of the hardest things we have ever had to face. Right now I am making the decision to step away from my blog for a couple of weeks. I will still be posting the winner of the most recent giveaway, but other than that we need time as a family. I need time away from things. I ask that you please respect this time and not e-mail me or contact me on facebook. We are not at a place of wanting to share details and we may never be. Please lift our family in prayer. We are hurting.

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Worry Dolls Winners

Congratulations "Korte" and "Keltie"!!!!! Each of you won a worry doll pictured above.

Contact me at passionate4orphans{at}yahoo{dot}com with your address so I can send you your doll.

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The Weight of Shadows

Alison Strobel, the author of The Weight of Shadows contacted me to see if I would be willing to review her book. It took me a while to get to it, but I can honestly say, once I started reading, I couldn't put the book down. The story is compelling and immediately draws you into the lives of the characters.

Joshua, Kim, and Debbie all have experienced varying degrees of tragedy in their lives. As the story unfolds, their lives become intertwined. The characters become so real that you feel like you actually know them. It is a story of redemption, forgiveness, and healing. Such a powerful story that everyone should read!

You will absolutely love this book. Just be warned that once you start reading, it will be hard to stop. I devoured my copy in just a matter of days. It does touch on some difficult subjects, such as abuse, death, self mutilation, and alcoholism. So, I would not recommend this book for children. It is definitely adult content, but the message is so good.

Alison has so generously offered to give one of my readers an amazing gift bag. You might want to add a cozy couch as well, or some soft pajamas, because if you win this basket you won't want to do anything but sit and read! This donation, from "The Weight of Shadows: author Alison Strobel, includes a whole host of goodies:
- copies of her first three novels (signed to you or whomever you choose),
- a clip-on book light (so you don't even have to get up to turn on the lights as night draws in)
- a bag of Pepperidge Farm Chessmen shortbread cookies (because who has time to cook when you're in the middle of a good book?)
- a box of Celestial Seasons herbal tea (as if reading wasn't relaxing enough!)
- an antique teacup, saucer, and sandwich plate (because you need somewhere to put those tea and cookies!)
- a lovely reusable tote (so you can easily relocate the whole shebang from, say, the couch downstairs to the bed upstairs)

WOW. That is one awesome giveaway. You know you want it. To win, simply, blog, facebook, or tweet about this giveaway and leave a link back here in the comments. A winner will be announced Wednesday next week!

Alison has also sent me her newest book Reinventing Rachel, which I am thrilled to get started on and will be reviewing for her as well. So stayed tuned!

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Dingus

We Rockstars love to make up words. I don't think that much about them, until someone asks us what in the world we just said.

Over the weekend we had a sitter here when we went to a concert. When we got home the sitter inquired about a word Lulu used.

Dingus.

She asked what on earth it meant. And to be honest I don't really know.

It sort of has multiple meanings really. The Rockstar and I started using it one day, and it stuck. Now the whole family uses it regularly. We think the whole world should. We think we should coin the term and get famous for it.

Now if you are wondering how to properly use the word dingus in your vocabulary, it is simple. It can replace many common words. It is lovely for inserting into sentences when you don't really know what else to say.

Such as ....

That was a really dingus thing to say.

Or

Stop acting like such a dingus.

It can also be used to describe something that is mind blowing.

Such as ....

Did you see that totally dingus move that guy just made?

Or

Wow, that was so dingus!

Really it is a word that has so many meanings and depending on how you use the word, the defintion can change.

I know.

We are awesome dingus.

You wish you were as cool dingus as we are.

Now if you start using this term, make sure you give credit where credit is due. Because one day, we are going to be famous for making up such an incredible, I mean dingus word.

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